Category Archives: SOCIALIZING

Socializing: fears

One of the most nerve-wracking situations for many people is attending social events, particularly those where you don’t know anyone else. If you’re like many people, you have visions of yourself standing alone, looking awkward, sweating, and sneaking out the side door early.

Socializing is difficult for many people. Why? For one, it’s a perfect opportunity for rejection. After all, if you say or do something stupid, it’s very easy for the other person to move on to someone else if they find your conversation dull.

Or another scenario is one where you’re stuck at a table with a bunch of other people you don’t know, and you envision yourself staring at your plate all through the meal, completely at a loss of words.

These fears are very common and normal. That’s good. It means that, if you feel this way, you’re not alone. It also means that when you’re feeling awkward in a social situation, others are as well.

Even some people who appear to be completely at ease may have a jumble of nerves and self-doubt inside. So what’s the solution?  If you are the person who speaks out first, makes the first move, and begins a conversation, you’re taking the pressure off the other person. No longer are you now the one who is awkward at socializing, but you are now someone who is focused on the other people attending.

Changing your frame of mind in this way can be very helpful. It’s also more helpful than changing your frame of mind in other ways, such as using alcohol or other medications (unless you’ve had a thorough check-up with a doctor who has prescribed anti-anxiety medications).

It’s true that alcohol can put you at ease and make starting a conversation much easier. The problem is that it also makes it much easier to take another drink, and another, and before you know it (or don’t), you are brave/wreckless and are saying or doing something you would not normally do.

Unless you are absolutely confident (no pun intended) in your ability to control your drinking, avoid using this method as a solution to your social fears.

After you have reminded yourself that many other people there are feeling just as nervous as you are, try striking up a conversation. This is easier than it may seem–or at least, it does become easier with practice. One of the best ways to start a conversation is to ask questions.

Then keep asking them. People like to talk about themselves, and it’s also a subject that we all know well–so this avoids awkward moments trying to discuss the latest political issue or historical fact that someone may not be “up” on for whatever reason (life can get in the way sometimes).

The key to making this work, however, is to actually be interested in what the other person has to say. If you’re constantly looking around, interrupting, or giving other signs that you’re not interested, you’ll quickly offend the other person, who may well walk away. Then you will find yourself in the situation you’re trying to avoid.

When possible, take a buddy with you. Just be sure that you don’t hide in the corner only talking to each other. Instead, use the “buddy system” to meet new people together. It’s always easier when you have someone on your side.

Simply knowing that at least one other person there likes you and is rooting for you can give you an instant confidence booster as you reach out to new people.

Using the buddy method is also a great way to practice before you have to strike out on your own, which is likely to happen at least once in your lifetime. Feeling prepared will make you feel much more confident when you do find yourself in this scenario.

Forcing yourself to learn new social skills is scary. You are taking a risk. However, once you make the effort, even if it doesn’t go as well as you’d hoped, you can feel better about yourself knowing you made the effort. Next time will go better. Give yourself credit for trying!

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How to Deal with Negative People

by Catherine Pratt

http://www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Negative people. They’re like human black holes which suddenly come out of nowhere and just suck the life out of you. You try to stay positive and remain strong but their negativity ends up just completely draining you, you feel exhausted, and you may also start to feel depressed too.

So what can you do? One of the first things to do is to be aware of who the negative people are in your life. This may not be as easy as you first think.

Some very nice people are as Judy Orloff says in her book, “Positive Energy” are really energy vampires. Here’s some of the signs she says to look for:

“- you experience a sense of being demeaned, constricted or attacked.

– you intuitively feel unsafe, tense or on guard.

– you sense prickly, off-putting vibes. You can’t wait to get away from them.

– your energy starts to fizzle. You may feel beleaguered or ill.”

She also refers to them by the following names which you might recognize: the sob sister, the blamer, the drama queen, the constant talker or joke teller, and the fixer-upper (requires endless help).

Also, pay attention to what the person talks about. Is it always about how bad things are? Do they just complain and never actually do anything about what’s upsetting them?

Once you have a good idea on how to recognize them then you can actually work on protecting yourself from them. Here’s 10 strategies on how to deal with negative people:

1. Where’s it coming from?

Do you understand why this person is so negative? Is it because they hate their job, feel frustrated, feel trapped in their life or do they lack in self esteem so the only way they can feel powerful is by hurting others? If you can understand where it’s coming from, it’s much easier to deal with. Some people seem to think that the only way they can get what they want is to be manipulative. Remember the saying, “the squeaky wheel gets the oil.” They believe this and think that if they don’t whine and complain that they won’t be heard and that this is the only way to get what they want.

Remember that the negative behaviour is a reflection of them. It tells you what kind of person they are and what issues they may be dealing with. It’s not a reflection of who you are.

2. Just smile and remain completely detached

Whenever the negative tirade starts just smile and don’t say anything. Remain completely detached from it and don’t get involved in it. Leave the room if you can. The negative person is simply seeking to get a reaction from you. That’s what they feed on. Don’t let them catch you in their web of negativity because as soon as you do, that’s when they start draining your energy.

It’s the emotions that these negative people stir up in you that you need to learn to distance yourself from. Try just observing the whole scene. Say to yourself, “what a shame this person is so unhappy. Maybe some of my positive energy will rub off on her. If not, her unhappiness has nothing to do with me.” This isn’t always an easy thing to do but definitely a powerful technique. In order to get the full benefit from it, you need to make sure that you’re aware of what’s going on around you. It’s easy to slip into auto-pilot and not realize until later how drained you feel. You need to detach yourself from the event while it’s happening and just observe it.

This works well for family members who you don’t really have a choice as to whether they’re in your life or not.

3. Say, “Now tell me something positive.”

Right after they’ve finished telling you some tragic story, say to them, “now tell me a positive story”. Some people have no idea how negative they’ve become. That’s what they’re surrounded by day in and day out so it’s just become a way of life for them. By being given the reminder, they may actually realize that being negative isn’t the kind of person they want to be and may start to work on becoming more positive. Or, they may decide it’s not worth telling you their horror stories because you’ll ask them to think of something positive. Sob sisters (always whining, feel the world is against them, feel they’re victims) will probably not find you very attractive anymore.

4. Imagine a bright white light surrounding you

Yes, this sounds silly but if you can do it, it’s amazing how much of a difference it can make. You’ll feel that their negativity can’t touch you because you now have a force field protecting you.

I used to have a really nasty manager who would constantly try to make me feel like an idiot. When I had a shower in the morning, I would imagine that I was being covered with a protective oil so that any of her comments would just slide right off me. I also put up a post it note on my computer that said, “Oiyli” which stood for “Only if you let it”. It reminded me that her comments could only hurt me if I let them. If was my choice as to how to react to her.

5. Is it a sign?

I find that the “universe” uses negative people as the way to get me to move on whenever I’m getting comfortable in a situation that isn’t challenging me anymore. It’s like a prod that I should be focusing more on following my dream rather than just getting caught up in a nice, comfortable routine that isn’t getting me anywhere. If I didn’t have these people, then I would probably just stay. So, sometimes I’m really grateful to these people because they’re giving me the “kick” that I need.

6. What does it say about you?

Negative people want to get a reaction out of you. And the only way they can is if they hit on one of your “buttons” or something that causes intense feelings for you. For example they may bring out past feelings of guilt or anger or make you feel like you’re being rejected or that you’re not good enough.

So, if there’s one particular person who drains you the most, ask yourself why is it affecting you so much? Sometimes, you can learn a lot about yourself by analysing what feelings it’s bringing up within you. Once you figure it out and deal with it then you’ll find that the energy draining person simply has no power over you anymore.

7. Trying to feel needed

Is listening to the complaints of the negative person your way of feeling valued? Does it make you feel needed? If it does, then you need to start valuing yourself more and you’ll find that this just won’t happen anymore. Be selective about who and how you help others. Just listening to negative tales over and over helps neither of you.

A good test to see if this is happening is to notice how you feel after “helping” someone. If you feel drained or tired or annoyed or frustrated then all you’ve done is given over your own energy to them. This isn’t beneficial to you at all, and rarely does it help them in the long run.

8. Try saying, “I love you, thank you, I’m sorry” over and over

This is kind of an “off the wall” kind of theory but it’s worth a try. If you want to read an article about how a doctor healed an entire mental institution simply by saying these words then read this story: Dr. Len. You can also listen to a couple of radio interviews with him on News for the Soul.

9. It’s not your fault

You may be feeling that you have to solve the problems of the energy drainer. You’re not responsible for the person’s life nor their negativity. You don’t have to feel guilty for them being unhappy. Let go of trying to fix or help them. That’s not what they want anyway. They want your energy and so you have to be strong and not give in to them.

A suggestion by Judy Orloff for dealing with draining co-workers is to keep mentioning to the person that you have work to do and you can only listen to them for a minute. If after a few minutes, the person is still going on about the same thing then either change the conversation or politely but firmly end the conversation.

It’s important to be able to let go of the idea that you owe everyone a solution. With some people you just have to let them go. They have to take responsibility for their own lives and they won’t if someone is always there to fix everything for them. So, Let Go! It sounds mean but it definitely doesn’t help them if they end up taking you down with them. In that case, then neither one of you is benefitting.

10. Be enthusiastic and focus on your own energy

If you can be higher energy than they are then your energy will most likely start to rub off on those around you instead of the other way around. Also, the less you pay attention to them, the less they’ll affect you.

In Summary

“Energy Vampires” are going to appear in and out of your life. The trick is to learn how to deal with them before they appear. If you don’t then they truly will suck all your energy right out of you without you even realizing it. They will also be having a huge effect on your life and whether you’re able to achieve your dreams and goals. Learn how to deal with negative people so that as Judy Orloff says you can, “be confident that no one can drain you if you don’t cooperate”. Your life will just instantly improve.

Dealing With Negative People Case Studies – Blamers

Now, that you’ve got the basics down, let’s take a look at three actual examples of dealing with a very specific type of negative person. These negative people always blame someone else for whatever happens. They are always completely blameless. They are incredibly draining and frustrating to deal with. They also usually end up making you feel horrible about yourself. Dealing with this type of person is much different than dealing with your average negative person. It requires much different techniques as well.

In the first case study, I give a more detailed look at this type of negative person which I call a “blamer”. They’re always criticizing, micromanaging and making you feel like you’re always to blame and it’s always your fault. They cause terrible guilt, anxiety, and depression in you as well. You’ll get a good understanding of this personality type and how you should respond.

Always to Blame, Always My Fault

In the second case study, we’re going to look at a negative person who’s caught doing something wrong (someone who takes credit for your work) and you call them on it. They respond by viciously attacking back.

Dealing With A Negative Person Who Takes Credit For Your Work

And, lastly, let’s take a look at the situation where a blamer makes negative comments about others to you. This can cause a lot of emotional distress to you because you may feel guilty for not saying anything to defend the person being criticized yet if you do say something, quite likely you’ll trigger an attack against you (put you down, blame you, or even give you the cold shoulder).

What is the “Socialization” Process?

Socialization is the process by which children and adults learn from others. We begin learning from others during the early days of life; and most people continue their social learning all through life (unless some mental or physical disability slows or stops the learning process). Sometimes the learning is fun, as when we learn a new sport, art or musical technique from a friend we like. At other times, social learning is painful, as when we learn not to drive too fast by receiving a large fine for speeding.

Natural socialization occurs when infants and youngsters explore, play and discover the social world around them. Planned socialization occurs when other people take actions designed to teach or train others — from infancy on. Natural socialization is easily seen when looking at the young of almost any mammalian species (and some birds). Planned socialization is mostly a human phenomenon; and all through history, people have been making plans for teaching or training others. Both natural and planned socialization can have good and bad features: It is wise to learn the best features of both natural and planned socialization and weave them into our lives.

Positive socialization is the type of social learning that is based on pleasurable and exciting experiences. We tend to like the people who fill our social learning processes with positive motivation, loving care, and rewarding opportunities. Negative socialization occurs when others use punishment, harsh criticisms or anger to try to “teach us a lesson;” and often we come to dislike both negative socialization and the people who impose it on us.

There are all types of mixes of positive and negative socialization; and the more positive social learning experiences we have, the happier we tend to be — especially if we learn useful information that helps us cope well with the challenges of life. A high ratio of negative to positive socialization can make a person unhappy, defeated or pessimistic about life.  [Some people will defend negative socialization, since painful training can prepare people to be ready to fight and die in battle, put themselves at great risk in order to save others, endure torture and hardship. This is true; but many people receive far more negative socialization than they need, and hopefully fewer and fewer people will need to be trained for battle, torture and hardship.]

We all have an enormous human potential, and we all could develop a large portion of it if we had the encouragement that comes from positive socialization and the wisdom that comes from valuable information about living. Information about both natural and planned socialization can be especially useful.

Our prior socialization helps explain a gigantic chunk of who we are at present — what we think and feel, where we plan to go in life. But we are not limited by the things given to us by our prior social learning experiences; we can take all our remaining days and steer our future social learning in directions that we value. The more that we know about the socialization process, the more effective we can be in directing our future learning in the ways that will help us most.

Because we were not able to select our parents, we were not able to control much of the first 10 or 20 years of our socialization. However, most people learn to influence their own socialization as they gain experience in life. It takes special skills to steer and direct our own socialization, and many of us pick up some of those skills naturally as we go through life.

It is important to know that we all come into life with a variety of psychology systems that foster self-actualization and favor the development of our human potential. These are the biosocial mechanisms that underlie natural socialization. We can see and study natural socialization by examining the socialization of primates and other mammals. Once we under the natural biosocial processes, we can try to build strategies of self-actualization that are compatible with the natural biosocial mechanisms we are born with to make self-development as easy and rewarding as possible.

The study of behavior principles in everyday life is crucial. If we understand the ways to create positive socialization experiences, we can take our human potential and develop the happy and creative sides of that potential. If we had too much negative socialization in the past and have learned to be too sad or inhibited, knowledge about positive socialization can help minimize some of the pain and allow us to build toward a more positive and creative future.

Socialization process:

Socialization is the process by which we learn from others. We begin learning from others during the early days of life; and most people continue their social learning all through life (unless some mental or physical disability slows or stops the learning process). Sometimes the learning is fun, as when we learn a new sport, art or musical technique from a friend we like. At other times, social learning is painful, as when we learn not to drive too fast by receiving a large fine for speeding.

Natural socialization occurs when we explore, play and discover the social world around us. Planned socialization occurs when other people take actions designed to teach or train others — from infancy on. Natural socialization is easily seen when looking at the young of almost any mammalian species (and some birds). Planned socialization is mostly a human phenomenon; and all through history, people have been making plans for teaching or training others. Both natural and planned socialization can have good and bad features: It is wise to learn the best features of both natural and planned socialization and weave them into our lives.

Positive socialization is the type of social learning that is based on pleasurable and exciting experiences. We tend to like the people who fill our social learning processes with positive motivation, loving care, and rewarding opportunities. Negative socialization occurs when others use punishment, harsh criticisms or anger to try to “teach us a lesson” and often we come to dislike both negative socialization and the people who impose it on us.

There are all types of mixes of positive and negative socialization; and the more positive social learning experiences we have, the happier we tend to be — especially if we learn useful information that helps us cope well with the challenges of life. A high ratio of negative to positive socialization can make a person unhappy, defeated or pessimistic about life. One of the goals of Soc 142 is to show people how to increase the ratio of positive to negative in the socialization they receive from others — and that they give to others. [Some people will defend negative socialization, since painful training can prepare people to be ready to fight and die in battle, put themselves at great risk in order to save others, endure torture and hardship. This is true; but many people receive far more negative socialization than they need, and hopefully fewer and fewer people will need to be trained for battle, torture and hardship.]

Positive socialization, coupled with valuable information about life and the skills needed to live well, can be a powerful tool for promoting human development. We all have an enormous human potential, and we all could develop a large portion of it if we had the encouragement that comes from positive socialization and the wisdom that comes from valuable information about living.

Our prior socialization helps explain a gigantic chunk of who we are at present — what we think and feel, where we plan to go in life. But we are not limited by the things given to us by our prior social learning experiences; we can take all our remaining days and steer our future social learning in directions that we value. The more that we know about the socialization process, the more effective we can be in directing our future learning in the ways that will help us most.

Because we were not able to select our parents, we were not able to control much of the first 10 or 20 years of our socialization. However, most people learn to influence their own socialization as they gain experience in life. It takes special skills to steer and direct our own socialization, and many of us pick up some of those skills naturally as we go through life. Learning more about socialization can help us understand which skills are most effective in guiding our socialization toward the goals we most value.

It is important to know that we all come into life with a variety of psychology systems that foster self-actualization and favor the development of our human potential. These are the biosocial mechanisms that underlie natural socialization. Once we understand the natural biosocial processes, we can try to build strategies of self-actualization that are compatible with the natural biosocial mechanisms we are born with to make self-development as easy and rewarding as possible.

Socializing: When and How

Whether you are a loner or a social butterfly or something in between, socializing is unavoidable in today’s society, so here are a few tips to improve you as an individual to be better in socializing with people.

BE PROACTIVE. The first step toward a successful conversation and a possible friendship in the future is to meet a person that is approachable; however, if you want to socialize with the person of your choice, you have to be proactive and meet with people. That could be done by simply greeting the person you wish to talk to or by talking to the person you want to talk to at the right moment about a specific event that happens to both of you during the same time such as, talking about the ice cream in a birthday party. By doing that, the other person would realize that you wish to talk, and if the other person wants to talk, he will give a meaningful response and the conversation will then begin.

BUILD RAPPORT. After meeting a person, the next step to socialization should be talking with each other and find a common point you both share. A common point might be that you both go to the same school, or you are both related to somebody in the party. The point of building rapport with another person is to “open up yourself”, so the other person feels that you are approachable. The second point is to establish a connection between you, making the other person feel that he/she is on the same ground with you, without feeling inferior or overly superior to you.

BE A LISTENER. Being a listener is an important step toward socializing with other people because not only does listening make you more knowledgeable about the person you are socializing with, it also gives you the opportunity to give constructive suggestions and comments to the other person. By that, the person you socialize with will begin to trust you more and share more of his stories with you. Again, when being an active listener, a good tip is to talk about some of your personal anecdotes that the person you are socializing with can relate some of his views to.

In conclusion, to be a great friend, not only do you have to make a good first impression, but you have to continue that image throughout the friendship in a certain way. By that, it means to repeat the above step with the people you are socializing with, “stay connected, and stay interested in each other”. Because only if people are constantly communicating with each other can they stay in a fulfilling friendship.

What is Social Network and Online Dating?

Online dating is like any other dating and online dating and social networking are the two biggest online activities there are to do when rummaging around on the computer. However because people must use a computer and get online to online date, it can catch a great many people off guard and what many singles do not realize is that online dating is social networking-just with a different goal in mind. Learning this fact can make a great many singles more receptive to online dating.

How? Let’s take a look…

The Non Tech Savvy Single

Most singles out there do not know the first thing about online dating, especially if they do not hunch over computers all day long at work. This is because those same people that do not use computers as part of their daily work lives do not know anything about social networking. Because social networking and online dating are pretty much the same thing, the people who do not use these networks will not join an online dating network either.

It is a simple fact that these people also do not like to socialize much in their lives, but then are disappointed because they cannot or will not meet anyone they can date. However, those who do hunch over their computers all day know the ins and outs of socializing online, which is all online dating really is and they do manage to get to the most dates or messages from people wanting to meet them.

You see, the way people go about online dating is just as important as the preparations we make to profiles, such as the photos we put up or the personal information about ourselves we write… Then if a single person wanting to find someone doesn’t know about the social networking aspect of online dating-or in general-they will not have the ability to get their profiles together in an organized and traffic getting way.

How to Help

So what is the solution to help these would be online daters who know nothing about social networking? Help them understand! Teach them how to be a social networking butterfly then watch them watch the invitations roll in. If all of us who have friends who hate to use computers and we grab just one of them and teach them to social network, even just the basics, then we have done our part to help.

All the people who have almost no social skills when it comes to “talking” online will learn to love this type of socializing. This in turn helps them to understand the online world and they will see how much there is for them out here. They will see that online socializing and online dating is nothing to fear.

Come on Already!

So what are you waiting for? Go get that friend, introduce them to Facebook or Tagged and get them involved. You will be glad you did as soon as you see how it helps your friend learn that the social networking ins and outs are a great way to meet new people. You will also be glad when your friend thanks you for opening her up to some of the best socializing the web has to offer, not to mention for the date she just got!

~NEVER GIVE UP HOPE BECAUSE WHEN ALL ELSE IS LOST, HOPE IS ALL WE HAVE LEFT~

~JC Torpey

 http://books.google.ca/books?id=dJomGlPLjF0C&lpg=PA327&ots=Gw6zWnLpCN&dq=socializing%20and%20dating&pg=PA327#v=onepage&q=socializing%20and%20dating&f=false